College? That Itch to Go Is Back…

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about college and finally thinking about attending. I think my family has finally given up on trying to get me to go, making me feel pressured to go, telling me I'm stupid and wasting my time not going. But, I wanted to go because I wanted to go, not because "it's what you're supposed to do". I didn’t have a clue of what I wanted to go for and didn’t want to waste money scrambling and wandering, just trying to get through.

I obviously went right after high school for a year, but then went through a major depressive episode and had the highest levels of anxiety and isolation I'd ever experienced, or let myself not bury deep down (I'm not good with my emotions). My family said I was being dramatic and that it wasn’t worth me getting depressed or anxious over…which only made me feel worse. I was doing alright in my classes, but wasn’t making any friends. I thought I was doing well with talking to others, trying to get myself out there, but these 2 girls I thought I was becoming friends with decided to invite me to a Halloween party, and then a week before uninvited me and still sent me pictures. I already had terrible social anxiety and no friends, so that really just sent me over the edge, especially seeing my cousins and old friends from high school posting about their experiences and friendships. I felt completely isolated, alone, confused, what was I doing wrong? I wanted friends, to feel wanted, feel like I was accomplishing something. But I wasn’t. So I dropped out, which was probably a stupid thing to do but I needed to for my mental health at the time.

I’ve been working everyday nonstop for the past few years, trying to save up money for my own place, but honestly don’t see that happening anytime soon. Everything is expensive and seems just out of reach no matter how hard I work or want it. I made a few friends, got an amazing boyfriend…but now I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do next, where to go, how to progress without feeling so empty. I have the friends and partner I wanted, but still something's missing…and is it college? Do I just need a challenge?

I think I finally know what I want to go for, Archeology* and Historic Preservation. I love history and old buildings and castles, so why not learn more. It would definitely be a challenge for me, I'm not good at math or science, but I think I could do it. I was originally going to go for Journalism and Graphic design, but didn't want to possibly lose my passion for writing or wreck love of the hobby. Writing and designing has always been my outlet of expressing myself and calming down, being creative, I didn't want it to turn into a deadline. Plus I've had years now to think and reflect and really decide on what I would want to do.

*I’ve loved the movie and book Timeline my whole life so this might be part of the reason :P

Still, now the only issue is with how expensive it would be, would I have to be in the dorms**? I don't want to have to share a space with teenagers. How expensive would it be? I have money/spending anxiety, which I know I'll have to get over, but being in debt, being further from my goal of getting a house and having a family scares me. I don't want to be stuck again. But the imaginary deadline clock in my head is getting closer. I feel pressured almost, like I'm running out of time. Genuinely I wish I could just rush into things sometimes, but I just get too anxious.

**Another reason I didn't stay was sharing a bathroom with the whole floor absolutely repulsed me, I wouldn’t say I'm a germaphobe, but definitely need my privacy and peace.

I don't know what I should do. Or if I'll change my mind again, talk myself out of it. I just feel so bored and lost hopping from job to job. I feel like I need a change, a challenge, and maybe college would give me that. I just don’t know what to do…