Oldest Daughter Syndrome

This is just something I’ve wanted to talk about, kind of get off my chest. It’s nothing bad per say, but it’s just something that has really structured and built my life and personality, or maybe hindered my growth of a personality of my own. I just wanted to share my thoughts and see if anyone could relate to this.

What is “Oldest Daughter Syndrome”? Do you hear about it often, or is it just something spread around online? Is it real or a cry for help or attention? This phenomenon is more often referred to as Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and can be described as when firstborn daughters tend to take on excessive, parental-like responsibilities, such as caretaking and emotional labor, often leading to anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout. While it’s not a clinical or professional diagnosis, it describes a common pattern of "parentification" and deep-seated people-pleasing, often resulting in neglected personal needs, guilt, and resentment, that many women (and young girls) will experience in their lifetime. It’s not always a bad thing, but in more cases than not it leads to deep-rooted feelings of resentment, guilt, and a loss of autonomy. Who am I? What happened to my childhood? Where do I go from here? What can I do?

I am an oldest daughter and also the oldest sibling of 3. I have seen these patterns throughout my life, and not just at home but through friendships, jobs, and day-to-day life. I was given more responsibility as a kid, I helped my mom and siblings while my dad couldn’t be bothered. I was a therapist figure to friends (as well as my mom at times), and was always told I was a safe person to come to. Things academically came naturally to me, as did most creative hobbies, and maternal instincts. I felt I always had to go above and beyond, and I never really got celebrated for my accomplishments, it was just something expected of me. Anything less than perfect wasn’t tolerated, and my parents didn’t make it easy to have friends, much less want to go out.

I’d love to say I don’t have anxiety, that I don’t exhibit traits of people pleasing, but I’ve started to notice just how bad my anxiety is, how lost I feel, and I can’t help but think it does have to do with this “parentified” experience. I gave up so much of my childhood, so much of myself to try and help the household run smoothly, so much of my personal identity to please my family. I feel like I have to start all over now that I’m in my twenties, and it only makes me feel worse. But, is this all from being an oldest sibling or an oldest daughter? Does this come down to family dynamic? Would I be different if my dad would've helped out, been supportive? There are a few areas I see discussed a lot when it comes to Eldest Daughter Syndrome and I want to dive into those just a little more.

“Parentification”

The most popular (and possibly the determining factor) example that is brought up is “Parentification”. What is Parentification though? I know I brought this up in the beginning, but would like to go over it in detail now. Parentification is where children (often the oldest child, more often the oldest daughter) are forced to take on adult, caregiver, or parental responsibilities, neglecting their own emotional and developmental needs. This can involve acting as a pseudo-parent by managing household tasks, taking care of young, or emotionally and financially helping parental figures, usually due to parental incapacity, neglect, or crisis.

“They expect me to grow up quickly and be a second parent to my sibling forgetting the fact I'm a child too, their child. They expect me to have the patience of a parent to my sibling, yet they don't have that same ‘patience’ nor did they ‘gentle parent’ me when I was growing up,”

I thought this quote was perfect to encapsulate the points I wanted to bring up next, especially with my own experiences. I know “parentification” looks different from household to household because of family dynamics or even culture, but most often (at least in my case) when people bring it up now, it’s due to neglect or laziness on one or both of their parents' parts. This causes the oldest sibling to step up, or be forced to step up, and in most cases, it’s indoctrinated early on. Later on this can lead to feeling like you loss out on childhood once you reach adulthood, lead to resentment towards your parents, or fill you with extreme feelings of guilt if you try and leave the situation or stop helping out.

For me personally I didn’t see it as much of a burden when I was younger, it was normal to me, it also helped my mom, so maybe in a way it felt rewarding. But as I got to middle school and high school I realized how much of my own life I was missing, how many of my peers would point out how weird and exhausting it was. I missed out on so many school events, so many social milestones, so much of my personal identity I didn’t get to form myself. I was too busy being an extension of my parents. It especially hurt seeing how much differently I was treated than my younger siblings. My parents were easier and more lenient on them, meanwhile I had to be perfect, had to keep excelling, keep helping...proving my worth.

This led to other problems, such as holding resentment for my parents as well as my peers who I viewed as lazy and immature. I had to excel in school, I had to help at home, I had to do x, y, and z, while they got to hangout and have fun because their parents didn’t put this weight onto them (but maybe they did, maybe they didn’t). I learned to hate school activities, because it was easier to hate them for being “stupid” and a “waste of time” than be upset and start a fight with my parents. I did what they wanted so my time at home would be easier, and as soon as I could get a job I worked as much as possible to escape. My brain learned to go, go, go, no breaks and no stopping. If I wasn’t being useful at home, if I wasn’t making money, I was a disappointment...and it hurt that this anxiety was not forced onto my siblings as well. Obviously I didn’t want that to happen to my siblings but I couldn’t help but think why was I raised this way? Conditioned to think this way?

Do you have a harder time doing something, or doing nothing?

Was the way I was parentified, conditioned to keep going, feel no emotions lead to it being hard for me to relax? Why is it so hard for me to do nothing without feeling guilty or like I’m wasting my time? I took extra classes so I could graduate early and work more to save up. I slowly stopped liking my hobbies and enjoying them because I was constantly working. Any day I got off, which happened rarely, I felt lazy. Even with a management position, even working two jobs, it wasn’t enough for my parents. I still did extra chores, I still acted as a third parent, I never stopped to think about what I wanted to do, because if I stopped I felt guilty or got reprimanded or handed more responsibility.

I learned early to give myself a workload and to distract myself with jobs. I learned to shut down my emotions instead of get mad or sad. I couldn’t show emotions other than happiness without receiving a lecture from my parents.

“When anybody else gets mad it's fine, but once I do I'm told I'm sensitive and need to lose the attitude,”

Now I have no idea how to regulate my emotions. I get jumpy and nervous when texting or writing essays and someone walks near me, even though I’m doing absolutely nothing wrong (I just anticipate the screaming). I can’t cry unless I’ve reached my boiling point, and even then it doesn’t feel right. I was told that I was crying for no reason, or told I was weak. When I got mad and yelled (which was rare) I was punished, so it turned into sarcasm and eventually just being completely quiet. I didn’t share any of my life with my parents, kept everything to myself except for my grades in school and hours I worked. Nothing was good enough for them anyways. I wasn’t allowed to relax or slow down because then I was called lazy or entitled. I learned quickly to be independent, I didn’t want to rely on anyone...I didn’t want to be disappointed like they had let me down.

“Why are you being rude? I'm literally drowning in my own thoughts,”

In wanting to escape the eldest daughter shackles, I became hyper independent, whether knowingly or not. I became withdrawn and distant with family, friends cast me out, and I became way more quiet. I hated leaving the house unless I was going to school or work. I was yelled at for spending money (even if it was $5 when I was thirteen, I developed severe spending anxiety), and constantly degraded for my aspirations. I was exhausted and always mentally drained from home, but wasn’t able to afford moving out, and I couldn’t bite back the guilt of leaving my siblings behind. Now in my twenties I think I have started to develop agoraphobia. I struggle with asking for help, I mean I didn’t get any help when I was younger, I was the help. I feel weak and stupid asking for help, asking questions, especially simple questions. Why do I feel embarrassed and inferior for doing that? Is it because I had to be an example or something else?

Giving up your childhood for the family (being a third parent), being the “Guinea Pig” kid

Throughout all of this, I really have learned and reflected back on how much of my childhood I gave up. How I was treated as a “Guinea Pig Kid”. I had to be a third parent, helping take care of my siblings and do chores around the house. I constantly was walking on eggshells, wasn’t able to express my emotiuons or thoughts freely, I had to preform and try to make my parents happy and their lives easier, so that my life would be easier.

My parents raised me differently, used different punishments on me, did different activities with me, than they did with my younger siblings. What worked with me they used on my siblings, and what didn’t work with me wasn’t brought up for my siblings. I was raised to be a mother, caregiver, and doormat. I was raised to be good in school, respectful, and to bite my tongue. I learned quick it was easier to just stay quiet, to bring up as little of my own thoughts and emotions as possible, to stay home instead of answering a thousand questions on friends and hangouts to still not be able to go or have my friends be judged (even though my parents never met them or heard one bad thing). I felt isolated and often ignored or neglected, since my younger siblings needed more help and care than I did, and I was independent and self-sufficient early on.

My hobbies and interests stopped evolving after elementary school in my parents and families eyes, they only saw me as they wanted to see me, as a little kid, or an extension of themselves. Who was I? What did I like? What did I want to be. It didn’t really matter. I feel like I gave up so much of my childhood and my teen years, was restricted from so many experiences, and now am chasing to take back my 20’s before it’s too late.

Thoughts of Escape Early On (The College Escape, not Experience)

And just a quick detour here, but I’ve always had thoughts of escaping, the dream of being able to move out at 18, obviously with the economy that didn’t happen, but it’s something that stays consistent in my brain. I dreamed of going to college because I wanted to escape, and have an “easy” way to do it. I’m finally biting the bullet and doing it this year, I’m excited...or at least I was until the rush dissipated. Why can't I go to college just because I want to go? Why do I always end up feeling like (and knowing) it's just an easy escape from my family?

I am excited for college, I do want to get my degree, because I know I can do it...it's expensive, but I know I'm smart enough and passionate, and I know what I want to do as a career...but why is my excitement always replaced with this feeling that it's not just for me, but it's merely an easy escape from my family. I don't get any congrats or support, just the comment of "finally" or "it's what you're supposed to do". They try and guilt me with the fact I'm leaving my family behind, put fear into me (as if I as a woman don't know) its dangerous and scary and something WILL happen to you, its really expensive you should just commute. Why would you try and guilt me and scare me with thoughts I already think about often and try not to? And don't even get me started on the way they treat me as if I'm less because I'm not doing as well as others my age (with loaded parents and trust funds btw), and the constant "don't lose your faith, make sure you go to church". Guys...I HATE church! I do not believe in what you have forced me to since birth....but I can't say anything or be punished.

It's easier to say "I'm going to college", than "I'm moving out to better my mental health, and be my own person". How do you leave a family that doesn't see you as a person, but as an extension of them? How do you leave your younger siblings in that environment without feeling guilty? Rolling over and being perfect for the family, being a shell of yourself is easier...but what am I? Who am I without their toxicity and narcissism? I want to go to college, I want to move out, I want to take classes and have space, I want to figure out who I am before its too late...before I waste another decade of my life trying to appease people who don't want to see me grow. Who seem to be afraid that I am and will be my own person with my own thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and path.

Conclusion

This isn’t all to say that every oldest daughter experiences this, but it’s just my own experience, and what I’ve seen from others sharing online. I think it’s a lot of shared experiences which we have become aware of really shaping us and our identities, or lacking the growth of our individuality. What are your thoughts on this? Is it common or is it just beginning to be seen as harmful mentally? Do oldest sons go through this too in their own way? Am I being dramatic? Again this is just something I’ve wanted to talk about, and get off my chest, hopefully calm my brain and stop overthinking on. I do feel stunted in a way individually from this and just wanted to share my thoughts and see if anyone could relate to this. Let me know if you realate to any of this, or if I even made sense, or maybe you are a younger sibling with an older sibling. Let me know in the comments below, and thank you so so much for sticking around through this long yap session.