Unsent Messages & the Urge to Reach Out

Why Do I Want to Message Old Friends and Ex's Every Now and Then So Badly?

Every now and then I get the urge to pull out my phone and text an old friend or an ex, but I never do. I may write out a text in my mind, asking how they're doing, what they've been up to, obviously hoping they're doing well (most of them)…but can never hit send. Worst case scenario they could ignore me or block me, even worse case scenario they could laugh about it to all their new friends (which I guess would be warranted). I never hit send because wouldn't it be weird? There was a reason they stopped talking to me and completely ghosted me, I broke up with them, or cut them off. But maybe in the back of my mind, I really need an explanation of some kind, or maybe just miss that sense of connection...

Is it Curiosity or Guilt? In a way I'm curious as to how they're doing, many I want updates on as I hope they're doing well because they deserve good things (they were good people and friends and hard workers), a few I want answers from, and others it would just be nice to chat for a little bit. Maybe I feel guilty for how I ended breakups, or how I handled friendships then, many times I would get overwhelmed or the spark simply vanished...but many I was ghosted and never got an explanation. I really just want explanations and updates. How can you be friends for so long and then drop someone with no explanation? I’m always the therapist, never the friend. I would love to know why people felt so comfortable with me, why strangers or people I barely spoke to felt so comfortable telling me their secrets or asking for advice, but would never want to be friends with me. What made me a safe person, but not friend material? Why did people only seem to want things from me?

Would I have turned out differently if I had different parents? Would I be different if I was allowed to be a person and not a third parent? If I was allowed to talk about my trauma, experiences, or future plans without shame or guilt? When you give and give and give, it makes it harder to actually feel and share your own emotions. I was so busy trying to please my parents, make my life easier at home, that I often just did things for myself. I had to be perfect, had to perform. I was numb to things, couldn’t regulate or express my emotions, I wasn’t allowed to. Now that I’m older, had time to reflect, I was going through so much, and everyone just thought I was selfish or mean. No one took the time to ask me if I was alright or listen for more than 5 minutes. I distracted myself with friendships, school work, and anything I could to feel normal. Maybe people were trying to help me, and I just couldn’t see that...and I wish I could've seen that back then. Maybe I would still have friends. I could've apologized or tried harder.

Maybe it was just the right people at the right time. Many people in my life I feel I met them just when I needed them. Whether that was to give me friendship for a few weeks or years, teach me a lesson, or grow my personal identity. Many people don’t stay in my life long, and the ones that do I’m so scared to lose. It’s almost like I’m not supposed to get attached quickly or at all. As I get older it’s much harder for me to make friends because I know they won’t stick around long, or at least that’s what my past has shown over and over. Why do more male’s want to be friends with me? I want girl friends, but it seems it’s even harder to make and keep those friendships. However I also think it made so much more sense I had girl friends in elementary and middle school, and more boy friends in middle school into high school. I think it just had to do with my personality and interests (and all the girls were already friends in their own little cliques). Honestly, I’m forever thankful for those friends in high school that always had my back and listened to me and helped me gain my confidence.

Same People, Different “Fonts”. I seem to only meet and click with certain types of people, and it feels like often it’s the same people just in different “fonts”. Old friends will ghost me or move away, and within a few months to a year someone almost exactly like them will come along and remind me of a person I used to be friends with. It’s like there’s only so many personality types or types of people around me or drawn to me. I crave connection, but must “click” with a person instantly otherwise it won’t go very far. I know this also debilitates my ability to make and keep friends, but it’s exhausting to try over and over just to end up with the same result. Why would I waste my energy, time, my emotions, on someone who will just drop me after 3 or 4 months?

Nostalgia in Past Friendships. Maybe I crave these past friendships because they seemed so easy. I wouldn’t have to start over from scratch, it took years to build these friendships, and now having to start over seems so dreadful. I loved hanging out with my friends in Middle School and High School, I liked having people to talk to, I liked listening to their stories and hobbies. They were always fun and outgoing, always made me laugh, maybe I was too boring, I know I’m boring now. I think a lot of it also had to do with my parents. I wasn’t allowed to go out late, I had to give so much information on where we were going and who would be there. I couldn’t have privacy if people came over, and after a while of not being allowed to do anything, no one wants to go through the time to ask me. “We just figured you wouldn’t be able to...”

But it still hurts to know I tried so hard, but didn’t receive the same effort back. I was always a backup friend, never first choice. Maybe I was a bad friend, but I was struggling and never felt like anyone wanted to help me or listen to my struggles.

I don’t actually want my ex’s back, I think I just miss having a connection with some of them. In most cases my ex’s were the only friends I had for long stretches of time, I talked to them about everything, always got texts back, and had someone to go out with. Most were into the same interests I was, or at least took the time to listen to me and understand me. It helped me to not feel so alone outside of school, but I would always break them off because they turned out to be genuinely awful people, or the spark was just gone. Why would I stay in a relationship with someone if I couldn’t see a future with them? There’s only one or two I’d actually still want to talk to or message. I know it would be weird, I wasted a lot of their time just so I wouldn’t be alone. It would probably be a jump-scare. But I can’t figure it out in my mind if I want to apologize or just miss having someone to text and talk to so easily. Maybe it would've been better if we had begun and stayed as friends.

How do you move on from these thoughts? How do I stop thinking about the past? Do other people feel like this? Does it go away with time? I feel like I was robbed of so much and will continue to be through my twenties. I feel so guilty of my actions, I know I messed up, I know I was raised in a toxic environment and acted out. I wish I could start over. I wish I could stop blaming myself. I look at other friend groups and have to just wonder what is so wrong with me? I’m not bitchy, I don’t enjoy making others miserable, I love making plans and would love to have themed parties. Sure I have social anxiety, but it’s mostly because I don’t feel welcomed anywhere or by anyone. I genuinely feel so alone, and it is my fault, but what is so wrong with me that no one wants to stay friends with me? How much is to blame on myself, my mental health, or how my parents raised and acted towards me? Would I be different if I was raised a different way? I don’t think about this often, but every now and then something sparks this deep thought, and it makes me spiral for a few days. I just wish I could have some answers...